


Death to Birth

by doctahlectah



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Kissing, M/M, Male Slash, Panic Attacks, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, SHIELD, Sassy Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 00:17:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3188633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctahlectah/pseuds/doctahlectah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He remembered falling from the Helicarrier and going deep into the waters, he remembered the metal pieces falling beside him, and the last thing he remembered before he lose his consciousness was someone else diving into the waters. He was on the shore when he woke up, like he had been dragged away from another battlefield but there was no trace of anyone near him.</p><p>It was Bucky that saved him and Steve knew it. And that was the thing that stopped him from losing his hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death to Birth

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work for Captain America fandom, so I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've done. Story has been written on July 2014. And it has been translated from Turkish into English by a friend of mine, his twitter url: @faithplate . Thank you so much, Mert!
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! Kudos and comments are always welcome:)

The sound of the files hitting the glass table broke the silence in the bedroom. Steve did not know how long he had been looking at these files; he read it so many times that he almost memorized every sentence. When he finished it, he didn't know when he began, had no idea what time of the day it was, he was even going to forget his own name. All he wanted was to get what he read out of his head, things he had read was simply... a nightmare. He knew it wouldn't be possible, he had taken his head between his hands and took a deep breath hoping that it would relax him. Nothing changed. In front of him there was the simulation screen in his room at Stark's tower that shows the view of another country, the walls which were painted blue and red for him and the files of the Winter Soldier project scattered across the floor.

 _Bucky..._ Steve repeated this name in his mind like a mantra, it sounded unfamiliar no matter how much he tried, as if he was someone Steve dreamed that he knew.  As if he had never been his best friend. As if he wasn't his partner who Steve tried to reach when he fell from that exploding plane in 1945. That was because the missions and the mass murders Steve read in the files were not something Bucky could've done. But Steve saw it for himself what Bucky, or rather the Winter Soldier, would do to complete his mission and how he had been transformed into a mindless weapon. He witnessed it with his own eyes, read it in the files. An agent trained to betray his country after he had been found by Soviets in the freezing water that he fell into. A soldier who had been through things horrible enough to lose his mental health when he disobeyed to his mission, a soldier who had his memory wiped every time he had been waken up so that he would remember nothing about his old life.

But Steve saw something that wasn't mentioned in all these mission reports. Bucky could've killed him easily on the Helicarrier, but didn't. Even though it was clear that he couldn't make sense of things Steve had said, something kept him from killing Steve. Steve read the pain and confusion in his face.

He remembered falling from the Helicarrier and going deep into the waters, he remembered the metal pieces falling beside him, and the last thing he remembered before he lose his consciousness was someone else diving into the waters. He was on the shore when he woke up, like he had been dragged away from another battlefield but there was no trace of anyone near him.

It was Bucky that saved him and Steve knew it. And that was the thing that stopped him from losing his hope.

He stood up with a little difficulty, got the file out of his sight with a little kick. This was not what he wanted to remember about Bucky, no, he wanted to remember what had happened before all this. He wanted to remember his lost friend, not the weapon that had tried to kill him with his bionic arm.

_He wanted not to remember the Winter Soldier, but James Buchanan Barnes._

***

The Smithsonian was even more crowded after what had happened in the city recently. Young and old alike, everyone had rushed to the museum with patriotic feelings after they “saw” how Captain America took down a KGB (actually Hydra) agent. Steve made a path for himself between people who had been taking photographs with his waxwork model or his photographs from WW2. He went to the screens of the soldiers who had lost their lives, and he kept walking until he was in front of Bucky’s screen.

“Ah”, he said, something hard had hit his chest, he realized that he had bumped into a man with a black cap when he looked up. He guessed that he had hit his camera since it hurt his chest. “Sorry sir, didn’t see you there.”

“It’s okay”, mumbled the man. His expression remained unseen because of his cap, he did not pull his hands out of his pockets or even move at all.

Steve tried to take a glance at his face. It must be that the man realized this and felt uncomfortable, he tried to walk away by passing Steve. But Steve stopped the man involuntarily by grabbing his arm.

Metal arm.

_Bucky._

The man turned his head to Steve and their eyes met. It was seen that Bucky had recognized him too, because he did not question why his arm was grabbed. He gave Steve a chance to recognize him.

Steve felt out of breath. He couldn’t find any word to say. They came face to face for the first time in almost 70 years, without trying to kill each other. No masks on their face, no uniforms on them. They stood there as two former soldiers trying to hide from public. Anyone who had seen them from outside would not be able to give any meaning to their situation, but they both knew what it meant to be face to face.

Bucky found an opportunity and freed his arm from Steve. He took one last look at his friend before he left, his eyes were almost moved to tears and his lips firm, he shook his head to the sides. He walked to the exit of the museum quickly after that.

Steve was by himself now. When he turned to the left, he saw a black-white video playing in the screen, a video that he watched countless times and was there when it was being filmed. _Steve was trying to smile and pose while Bucky was by his side, telling him how funny that looked and bursting into laughter. It was a day on which they needed to pose for a local paper before they went on the mission that changed their lives. They talked about their lives and how they had fun, and they laughed a lot. Nothing changed between them except Steve’s body, which was a topic of both admiration and mockery for Bucky. Steve was living the happiness of having his friend’s admiration. In short, he had his best friend by his side and he was happy, they were happy._

Now it all changed and anything he could do to take it back was worthless.

 

***

Finding a suitable spot to watch museum’s entrance and exit wasn’t hard for him, he picked a dark spot between trees and bushes. His black clothes made it easier to remain undetected to other people. For years of missions, he was able stay safe by picking dark spots. What made his mission career end was just one simple mistake: letting a man get him out of the darkness. Everything he thought he knew was shattered lies. He learned that his life was not a mission and he had a friend he could trust. But he did not believe that.

_I’m your friend…_

_You’re my mission…_

Watching the man leave the museum with quick steps was not a part of his mission anymore. He had nowhere he could report. No place to stay, no money and clothes except what he stole, all he could do was defend himself and fight. He was swimming in nothingness, he wasn’t able to adapt to the environment. Now he was a man who was seen as a lowlife by other people. They stayed away from him.

 _James “Bucky” Barnes, born 1917, in Brooklyn._ This is what it said next to his picture on the screen, looking at him. But he could not remember the things to confirm this. He learned who he was when he read it, but it did not seem like his life.

His dead eyes were looking at a stranger.

Only thing he could remember was this: the blonde man he was following. He did not know where he would come to by following him in the dark streets; but he knew that the man who tried to reach him so desperately did have answers. _Steve Rogers_. A name he did not know, a face he did know. Sensitive looking eyes, someone who called him by a name even he did not remember.   _Bucky_ … Who the hell was Bucky?

In spite of everything he learned, he didn’t have an answer for this particular question. That’s why he kept following Steve Rogers.

 

***

Since the safehouse SHIELD provided was attacked by Hydra, he couldn’t stay there. That’s why he decided to move into Stark’s tower. It was a sensible decision, because SHIELD was operated from this building now. SHIELD was officially over and Nick Fury was no longer in command. He left New York for a mission he did not tell much and it seemed like he left Tony Stark in command. Other Avengers members except Thor were staying here, too. For Steve it was much better to live here than staying alone.

Entering the tallest building in the city required strict security measures, of course. These measures were increased after Loki’s attack. The tower was protected against any military or extraterrestrial attack.

It didn’t take long for Bucky to realize this. He looked around the tower and spotted the agents with unsuspiciously civilian outfits. But since he had no equipment, it was impossible to take them all down. He quickened his step. He did not care about the sound of his boots. He reached out to grab the man he was following.

“Can you get me into the tower?”

Despite the hand on his shoulder and whisper in his ear, Steve did not even think about moving. He started taking breath faster but he made no move to get out of Bucky’s hand. Bucky understood this and let go of Steve. Now he was in front of him, waiting for an answer.

“It will be hard but I can.”

“Do it.”

When Steve started walking, Bucky needed no order. He followed him to the glass door of the tower, without making a sound. When they arrived at the door, the guards recognized Steve and they were going to let him enter. But then they saw Bucky and turned their inquiring looks towards Steve.

“He’s with me, it’s okay.”

The guards looked harder. “Winter Soldier is not allowed to enter to the tower, according to our orders.”

Bucky moved his hand towards his pocket, but Steve saw that and stopped him. He tilted his head, and asked, “Whose orders are they?”

“Tony Stark’s himself, sir.” replied the second guard.

Steve didn’t change his posture. “Then I want to see Tony Stark himself.”

Guards looked at each other but didn’t decline the request, after all, any Avengers member was above their security level and anything they said was an order. Guards gave some commands from their radio. Bucky heard that they said “Winter Soldier’s here”, squirmed uncomfortably but according to Steve there was no danger. It was normal for guards to react this way and if he could talk to Tony, there would be no problem about getting in.

A few minutes later the door opened and Tony was there, he equipped a yellow and red coloured metal hand reaching to his wrist, a blue light was shining in his palm. There was confusion in his eyes. Bucky’s pupils dilated and shoulders strained. Steve seemed a bit impatient. “Come on, Stark.”

“Sorry, Cap, but you’re wrong if you’re thinking that I’ll let your _Robocop_ friend in.”

Bucky silently watched them argue for a while. This guy, Tony Stark, seemed harmless but he was obviously annoying Steve. He got convinced in the end, backed up with a theatrical move and invited the duo inside. His mocking eyes focused Bucky, “You better not try to kill anyone this time, _Buck Rogers._ ”

There was bitterness in Bucky’s face, he didn’t like the man. Steve noticed that and warned him by saying “Tony” with a rough voice. Tony looked back as if he said “What?”. Steve sighed and walked to the elevator. Bucky and Tony, not having anything else to do, followed him.

Three men got up to the last floor of the tower without ever talking on the elevator. The view behind the doors confused Bucky even more. Compared to all the glass in the first floor, this place was designed more casual. The walls were wooden-colored and the windows were tall. There were stairs heading to the interior balcony, lots of door, and long corridors. What made it look like a home was the mini bar next to the stairs and big armchairs facing to the fireplace in the middle of the room. What made him even more confused was faces of the people in the room.

A man with glasses was sitting at the mini bar with his coffee and newspaper, a blonde man with a leather jacket played dart, a red-haired woman was laying down on the couch reading his magazine. Tony and Steve did not surprise them, but it was the red-haired woman that noticed Bucky was with them, too.

“Hey…”

After the red-haired woman warned the other two with a hoarse voice, they looked at her, and then at Bucky. There was a sudden tension in the room. Tony Stark, the only guy who didn’t notice that, showed the inside with his hand, said “Why don’t you make yourself comfortable?” and laughed. Nobody had time for Tony’s mockery.

Everyone had questions on their mind but nobody had the courage to ask them. Why was Winter Soldier in their safest zone? Was there any reason for them to feel betrayed? Steve wanted to make an explanation, but first he needed to find the answers to these questions. So, he lowered his head to make Bucky follow him and started walking to his room. Bucky took another look at the room to be sure that it was safe, then followed Steve.

“What the hell was that?”

They all shrugged to Clint, nobody had any idea.

 

***

The room’s lights were off, the only thing working was a simulation screen showing a starry sky. Steve’s “Project: Winter Soldier” files, which were given to him by Natasha, were scattered on the floor. When Steve turned on the lights, Bucky kneeled down to look at them.

“I think the subject you want to talk with me…” said Steve, but Bucky didn’t pay attention. He gave his back to the bed, threw his cap to somewhere in the room, and started reading the file sitting on the ground. He didn’t notice when Steve sat next to him.

 

**_PROJECT: WINTER SOLDIER_ **

**_CONFIDENTIAL_ **

**** **_“Doctor’s Notes_ **

**_May 5, 1945_ **

**_...As far as I have understood, Comrade Karpov has seen the subject before on the battlefield and like his partner Captain America…_**

**_May 7, 1945_**

**_...But, as I thought, he was actually “dead”... We gave electric directly to his heart, applied cardiopulmonary resuscitation and gave an adrenalin shot. And, as I still can’t believe, the subject came back from the dead… Whatever the reason was, even though we had an “alive” subject, his brain was “very” damaged and he did not “remember” anything about his past life._**

**_June 1954_ **

**_...We did Sensory Deprivation experiments between the groundbreaking Memory Implantation sessions. Thanks to the American’s lack of memory of his past life, his procedure went easy. We were able to reprogram the American’s mind. We gave him a “purpose” and made him loyal to us.”_ **

 

Following these notes, there were reports of the assassination missions Winter Soldier carried, and his physical and mental condition on the missions. They made the soldier who disobeyed and ran off for two weeks a weapon again with the Memory Implantation.

In Vasily Karpov’s personal journal, it was written that Karpov felt “sad” for him but it made him happy that Captain America’s partner was working against him, on Russia’s side.

Winter Soldier was on sleep since 1988, in an abandoned department. In 2014, he was taken out of the cryogen as a soldier stronger than before.

Bucky couldn’t stop his hands from shaking and threw away the file. He started breathing faster, the room was suffocating him. When he closed his eyes, all those men he killed, blood, war, the pain of the memory implantation machine, all of them replaced his blurry memories. He remembered those reports as if they were written yesterday. That unfamiliar biography he read in the museum wasn’t his life, it never was, but everything written in the reports were his life. He was nothing but a living weapon obeying orders and now all he knew was nothing.

_Buck, Bucky… Bucky!_

He did not respond to the voice calling him.

_Bucky, I’m here!_

The voice got louder but Bucky was having trouble understanding.

_Bucky, look at me, because I’m with you till the end of the line._

Bucky’s eyes widened. With his lost eyes, Bucky looked at the blonde man’s worried face. _No, no, I’m not supposed to be here…_ He tried to get up fast but lost his balance, he managed not to fall over thanks to the blonde man grabbing his arm quickly. Their eyes met again.

“You should’ve killed me.”

“What?”

When Bucky didn’t answer, _couldn’t answer_ , Steve tried to calm his friend with a soft voice, “Stay with me, Bucky, stay with me. Fight beside me, again.”

Bucky looked up, when he looked at Steve, there was pain and exhaustion in his face. He tilted his head with despair, “I’m tired of fighting, Steve.”

It felt like the silence between them took hundreds of years. But then Steve started laughing, his eyes too. Bucky couldn’t understand but he did not move either.

“You don’t have to fight, pal, but stay with me. After all, I can’t sort out everything I’ve missed the past 70 years, right?

 

***

Of course it wasn’t easy at the beginning to carve out a niche for himself in Avengers members and remember memories from his past life. Steve was helping Bucky remember everything for most of his day. He was showing him photos before and during the war and making him read his diary. He took him to the old military camp that was ruined after the HYDRA missile. He even took him to Brooklyn, where their old house was, but now of course there were dozens of apartments there. Bucky was having trouble controlling his anxiety, regret and the anger of his stolen years. He was waking up alone, breathless and sweating to different nightmares in a bed that wasn’t his. But no matter how hard it was, he was determined not to give up. He was contentious, as Steve told others.

It was hard to join other people in the tower, but everyone was ready to give him a chance. He took an old photo Steve gave him and went to Tony’s big workplace in the basement. Tony was quiet after seeing his father Howard Stark laughing with Steve and Bucky in the sepia toned photo. Bucky left the room after giving a thoughtful head nod. It was easier to talk to Tony now. Other members treated him nice when they weren’t on a mission (even though SHIELD was officially closed, they could still contact Fury).

“So you’re that red-haired woman.” he mumbled, after his first fight training with Natasha.

Natasha gave a mocking smile, “I’m the red-haired woman that kicked your ass.”

Bucky noticed that he too smiled, he was smiling voluntarily for the first time in months. It got easier to make him laugh, it seemed like each Avengers member had their own sense of humor. Clint Barton, Natasha’s partner, was as careless as Tony despite being an assassin. He tried to teach Bucky how to shoot arrows, but when he realized that he wasn’t going to make it, he jokingly said “I guess this is the only thing you can’t pull off”. Another member, Bruce Banner, was the person Bucky could empathize most with. Banner, who “loses control and turns into a green, huge monster” as told by Tony, did not seem like he wanted to be in the tower. He seemed calm and quiet but the limits of his anger shouldn’t be tested. Even though he says “I’m happy to be here as long as I can do my scientific researches”, it was obvious that he missed his life before “Hulk”. Bucky could understand what it was like to have your peaceful life taken from you. He met Pepper Potts and Jane Foster too, they were the most sensible of them all. He couldn’t yet find a chance to meet Thor, who was said to be a god (Steve laughed at Bucky’s confused reaction and said “Things like that happen.”), but the stories of his adaptation to our world were often told in the hall.

Despite meeting so many people, it was Steve that Bucky had spent the most time with. Being with Steve made him feel safe. He understood what “having friends” meant. It was obvious that Steve was happy too; he was giving Bucky books to read, offering him to watch movies together, leaving his favorite albums on Bucky’s bed. Their close friendship was the laughing stock between Tony and Clint, but Natasha and Bruce always told them to leave Bucky and Steve alone.

When Steve was going on a mission out of America, Bucky told him that he wanted to come, too. Despite Captain’s objection, Bucky threw himself onto the mission plane, laughing and shrugging. It’s been months since he came to the tower. During this time he trained in tower’s gym, improved his reflexes, learned how to use SHIELD weaponry successfully. It was completely his own decision to go on a mission.

They were walking around the New York streets in their leisure time. Bucky felt himself better thanks to his training and healthy diet. He was shaving every day, keeping his hair short just like how it was before the war. Steve’s reaction to his hair made him feel sad: “I never thought I’d see you again like this, pal.”

It was Bucky that offered to stay in the same room. He was still seeing nightmares. Even though he did not want to let Steve know about this, he didn’t want to stay alone. Steve wouldn’t say anything but he understood, because he too had reasons to see nightmares. Maybe Steve always understood him. Their room sharing led to gossips in the hall. While Tony said “Told you”, Natasha was looking at the duo with meaningful eyes she could not hide. There was no problem at all for Bucky, he didn’t see anything wrong staying in the same room with his best friend and he learned not to care what other people say about him. But Steve would blush whenever the subject was brought up and try to change the subject.

It was no surprise to Bucky that Stark Tower had a pool in an entire floor. The windows along the walls were looking at tall New York buildings. Going to the pool after missions to relax had become a habit for Bucky and Steve. They liked swimming.

 _“Why do you care?”_ asked Bucky, when they stepped out after completing their childish race. Tony’s allusive talk was something usual. That’s why there was no reason to care about it at all. And, what would it matter if the things said were true? Bucky didn’t feel one bit uncomfortable. There was no reason to hide anything from each other anymore.

“I don’t know, w-well…”

Bucky walked up to Steve after putting his towel down. The blonde man was breathing faster. He held his towel even more tightly. His eyes were locked on Bucky’s lips, he wanted to talk but couldn’t.

“You think too much”.

“Oh, look who’s tal-”

Before he could finish his sentence, Bucky held Steve’s face for a short kiss. When he noticed that he did not get a response, he pulled himself away with a sudden guilt. _Why did he do that to the only person who didn’t see him as a soldier and a weapon. He shouldn’t have done it, it was wrong._

Steve saw the distress in his friend’s face and he leaned in again to take it out. Their lips reunited. Their kiss was longer this time, full of longing and desire. Bucky’s hands were on Steve’s shoulders, Steve’s hands were on Bucky’s hips - he was slowly getting Bucky on the ground. He looked at Bucky, who was stretched and waiting, to ask for permission. Bucky nodded, “I’m with you.”

_I’m with you till the end of the line._

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
